The no BS guide to understanding what are boundaries
Boundaries are one of my favorite topics and one that I talk about every single day with the clients. For many of us, we simply weren’t taught what boundaries are and therefor struggle as we become adults to set them. Maybe we grew up in households where boundaries were not discussed or our feelings were invalidated so we learned to not trust ourselves
We all have limits, and boundaries communicate that what that line is.
What are boundary? The simple answer is that boundaries are where your responsibility ends and another person’s begins. Beyond that, however, it can be hard to define, especially since boundaries will differ from person to person. What a boundary is for you might not be for someone else. That is why understanding what YOUR boundaries are is most important. That is the only way you can teach other people how to treat you.
Boundaries are what happens when you can sense within yourself with what you need and want and access your voice to speak to those things.
Here are some boundaries you deserve to have and what they might look like in practice.
1. EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Emotional boundaries are all about respecting and honoring feelings. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how giving your energy to certain people or things makes you feel while also limiting emotional sharing with people who respond in uncomfortable or hurtful ways.
Healthy emotional boundaries sound like:
“I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I am not in a place to handle what you are saying but I want to soon. Can I call you back this evening?”
“When I share my feelings with you and you say mean things, it makes me totally shut down. I am only going to share with you if you respond respectfully to me.”
“Thank you for respecting my limits with this”.
“I was really bothered by (insert boundary violation). How can we change this so we can have a healthier relationship?”.
These boundaries can be violated when someone has or is doing the following:
Dismissing and criticizing your feelings
Reading or going through personal information such as phone or journal
Emotionally dumping on people without their permission. This can be constantly venting without asking if someone has the space to hear.
Sharing inappropriate or confidential emotional information that someone has asked you not to share.
Assuming or making judgments, how other people feel
2. PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
It is OK to let people know that you don’t want to be touched/have sex or that you need more personal space. Physical boundary violations feel like receiving inappropriate or unwanted touch, being denied your physical needs (not respecting boundaries you have set) or having someone come into your personal space in a way that makes you feel unsafe emotionally or physically. This is about your own consent and understanding someone else’s consent on types of physical touch.
Healthy physical boundaries might sound like:
“I am really tired. I need some time alone”
“I don’t want to have sex until…..”
“I am not comfortable with that activity at this time. Please stop”.
“Don’t use my car without asking first.”
“I am not a hugger. I am a handshake person.”
“My (Insert item) is off limits”.
“No. I don’t want you to touch me like that.”
3. MENTAL BOUNDARIES
Mental boundaries refer to your personal thought process, your own values and opinions. Always seeing eye-to-eye with another person is not possible. Everyone has different experiences, but you have the right to your own mental boundaries. But not on how someone else should act, think or what they should believe in.
Mental boundaries might look like:
· “I understand yours but that is not my belief”.
· “My thoughts on this topic are … and it’s okay we have different thoughts”.
· “You don’t have to like my value with this topic but we should respect each other’s”.
“Please don’t give me unsolicited advice I just need you to listen”.
4. TIME AND ENERGY BOUNDARIES
Your time/energy is important and a vital way we get our goals achieved. Setting time boundaries is incredibly important at work, home, and socially. Setting boundaries around your time means understanding your priorities. When you understand where your time and energy is most needed, it is much easier to limit the amount of time you are giving to other people.
Sarah Knight covers how to protect your time and energy in depth in one of my favorite books- The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do
Healthy time boundaries might sound like:
“I won’t be able to make it to (insert event). But I’d like to connect just me and you next week. Would that work?”.
“I am only able to meet on Friday”.
“I would love to help, but this week is not available in my schedule. How does next week look?”
“I am happy to help provide some support for you. My hourly rate for this consultation is X”.
Time boundaries violations looks like asking others for their time/energy and resources without paying them. This might also look like demanding people to spend time with you, showing up late or canceling on people because we overcommitted, and contacting people again when they have already set a boundary around their available time.
5. BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF
Boundaries around yourself look like setting goals and stick to them. Not overcommitting to time with others or not setting boundaries on what you want, need from others. Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional, physical and mental energy. We can’t just search on google for a set of personal boundaries guidebooks. Boundaries are a deeply personal choice and vary from one person to the next, and we shape them throughout our lives. Knowing what you want and need from relationships with another person is at the end of the day only up to you.
Healthy boundaries with yourself look like:
· Journaling to get better in touch with your feelings
· Be direct with yourself about what boundaries you need in your life
· Sticking to your budget
· Limits on screen time (television, phone) either time or within physical space such as bedroom
· Limiting your intake on news
· Ending relationship, you know are unhealthy
· Setting goals around your physical health and picking one activity to do daily.
· Keeping a regular bedtime and wake-up time
· Taking 15 minutes a day of silence time to check in with yourself
Maintaining boundaries is a struggle for most people. We all know that limits and structure are good for us, but we all have a hard time at some point sticking to them. You owe it to yourself to find happiness and peace and setting boundaries will get you there.
~Happy Boundary setting, Jennifer
Learn more about Jennifer and her therapy practice here!
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