Understanding and managing Pet loss
If you have ever had a companion animal of any kind- dog, cat, bunny, bearded dragon, guinea pig, etc., then you probably can relate to the feelings and experience of an unconditional love. The type of love where you know your animal accepts you no matter what. It is made evident by their excitement when you come back home after a long day at work and their desire to be anywhere you are, because that is where they are the happiest. The love of a companion animal is unmatched and one I hope everyone gets the opportunity to experience in some way, shape, or form during their lifetime. My soul dog came into my life in my early 20’s and has truly provided me a love and relationship unlike one I have ever known. She prompted my career as a Veterinary Social Worker and inspired me to give back to dogs in need at local rescues and animal shelters. I am forever grateful for the love she continues to show me on a daily basis.
As the old adage goes, however, “the risk of love is loss.” This can be said for any form of love we have the opportunity to experience but the unfortunate truth is that our furry companions are never on this earth for as long as we’d hope. We often enter into these unconditional loving companionships with an animal, knowing there will be an experience of loss at some point. While this will NEVER be easy, I want to normalize the grief experience of losing a beloved companion animal as it not often talked about in our society.
THE TRUTH OF PET LOSS
Some of you may have already experienced this type of loss and heard statements such as “it was just a dog” or “just go adopt another animal, it will heal your heart.” The truth about pet loss and animal-related grief and bereavement is that it can be categorized as a “disenfranchised grief.” This term is defined by a grief experience that may go invalidated or unacknowledged and does not fit in with the larger society or culture’s attitudes about how to deal with death and loss. It is also characterized by a lack of support during the grieving process which can prolong emotional pain for many. If a close friend or family member passes away, you may expect sympathy cards, bereavement time from work, and many meaningful sentiments from those around you. With an experience of loss that would be considered “disenfranchised”, you may be expected to bounce back to normal life activities right away, or individuals may simply misunderstand the strong emotional experiences you are having as a result of this type of loss. Other examples of disenfranchised grief in our society may include addiction of a loved one, death of an ex-partner, infertility, the loss of a job, or a breakup or divorce.
It is important to note that even within the disenfranchised grief experience of pet loss, there can be certain “taboo” experiences that may be looked at differently when compared to the death of a pet due to illness, old age, or injury. This could include a dog running away from home or an animal being rehomed due to home loss or financial constraints. Loss of a companion animal is loss no matter how this loss comes to be.
If you or someone you love has experienced the loss of an animal, it is possible that you may be experiencing or could experience some symptoms of disenfranchised and/or complicated grief depending on the circumstances surrounding your relationship with the animal or how you lost them. This might look like intense or distracting feelings of loneliness, feeling in shock or numb, avoiding places, objects, or things that remind you of the loss, or obsessive thoughts about the causes or circumstances of the death.
PET LOSS GRIEF IS VALID
As a Veterinary Social Worker, my training involves the specialization of the human-animal bond, and the numerous ways humans and animals intersect in this society. My goal in working with individuals in their grief, especially as a result of animal loss, is to validate and affirm your experience. Our animals often get us through and keep us going. It makes sense that losing them is a pain like no other. If you have lost an animal, here are some things I hope you can hold onto while grieving them.
o Your grief is REAL and VALID! Pet parents often say (and the research shows) that losing their animal companions can be just as hard as, if not harder than, losing a human family member.
o Our pets were incorporated in almost every daily habit of our life. From feeding them, to walking them, to simply sitting on the couch together, it will take time to re-envision life after the loss of an animal and create new daily habits.
o Since your grief and bereavement may be understood, it can be helpful to spend time around people who have experienced this type of loss and know the meaning behind what you’re feeling. Accept support from others! This can be from a trusted professional or just a friend who “gets it.” Pet loss and grief support groups are available in most areas as well as pet loss support hotlines.
o Grief is not linear and does not take on a prescriptive pattern or series of stages. It can be helpful to acknowledge the reality of the death, as well as lean into the feelings surrounding your loss. Patience and lack of judgement for how you mourn can be an act of self-compassion during this time.
o Continue your connection with your pet through special memories, annual traditions, or displays of a pet’s objects or picture.
HOW WE ALL HONOR PET LOSS
Different cultures and families create various rituals and celebrations surrounding death, grieving, and honoring a loss loved one. Choosing to do the same for your companion animal can help memorialize them, and honor them in a way that symbolizes the deep connection you had. Some ways you may choose to memorialize your pet include:
o Hosting a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life. Invite friends and family members who also had a special bond with your animal
o Write a poem, farewell letter, or song for your pet
o Create an outdoor memorial for your pet in their favorite spot
o Preserve your pet’s paw print in ink or dough
o Customize art or jewelry in honor of your pet
o Get a tattoo of your pet’s face, paw or nose print, or even with their ashes included in the tattoo ink
o Celebrate their birthday, gotcha day, and/or anniversary of their passing
o Share stories about your pet with anyone who will listen
o Give to other animals in need.
So while “the risk of love is loss… the rest of that quote reads: and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love” Hilary Stanton Zunin
In my opinion, the risk of loving an animal is always worth it and opening ourselves up to their unconditional love is an unmatched reward.
Resources for ongoing grief support and decision making for end of life care
The Argus Institute was established at Colorado State University to address the unique needs that pet owners face when coping with pet illness and loss of a companion animal. There are a variety of resources here
The University of Tennessee Veterinary Social Work Department provides a variety of pet loss resources such as books for adults and children, audio tapes, and various websites
How do I know when it’s time? Pet quality of life scale from Ohio State University
Local Indiana resources (https://www.compassionforyourpet.com/resources/indianapolis-bereavement/)
Post was written by Marisa Jennings, LSW from The Brave Life Therapy. Marisa has her masters degree in veterinary social work. She loves supporting clients who have experienced pet loss.