Setting boundaries with family members
Setting boundaries with your family members is important because they create clear guidelines or rules on how you would like others to treat you. Boundaries let people in your life know what is acceptable and what is not okay to do around you. They keep you and others safe in a relationship. Boundaries also help us take the best care of ourselves to avoid stress, worry, mood concerns or unhealthy relationships in general. Remember boundaries don’t look the same in all relationships. We have different relationships with our parents, siblings or with our partners. It’s okay to have different boundaries with different people.
Effective Boundaries with family members should have
· Limits that are clear and decisive, yet reasonable.
· Boundaries are stated in kind, thoughtful ways without blame.
· The focus is on authenticity instead of pleasing others.
· Boundaries should not make other people feel guilt, worry, or fearful.
· Boundaries should help you understand your need to build healthier relationships with others.
Reasons setting boundaries with family members is hard
The reason that setting boundaries is hard is because we commonly grew up in a family that taught us that boundaries were selfish, disrespectful, or we were being “too sensitive”. We are also hardwired by nature to do what our families want or expect from of us. We don’t want to disappointment those that we love and care about.
Most of us were taught that setting boundaries was wrong or selfish and that other people come first. Any people-pleasers out there? As adults, we learn that our needs do not come first. Moreover, we learn not to upset our family members by asking them not to do anything. But as Dr. Henry Cloud said, “You get what you tolerate”. How can we be happy and healthy if we tolerate mistreatment?
By using some of the examples below, you will learn to strengthen your communication skills and share your feelings clearly. Practicing saying “no” more often will help build these skills. Examples of boundaries with family members;
“Examples of boundaries with family members;
“We don’t smoke in our house so I need to ask you to smoke outside when you visit”.
“Mom, I’d love to have dinner next week but my values are we don’t talk about each other’s bodies, so I am going to ask you to respect that. Please, don’t talk about my weight anymore or I can’t go out to eat with you”.
“Our children do not have to give hugs if they don’t want to, so, please respect that”.
“I don’t like that you said that to me. Could you please not say that anymore?”.
“I have limits on how much I will share about my mental health right now. If I need support, I will let you know”.
“I don’t like to gossip about others, so if you continue, I need to step away”.
“It’s important for me to take care of my health. I don’t like it when you pressure me to drink/eat that”.
“I love it when you come over, but I need a 24-hour notice now. This will help me so much”.
These examples might be a starting place for you. You can add to them, expand them or create your own. The most important rule when setting boundaries is to stick to YOUR needs, not criticize others or tell others what to do. Boundaries are about telling others what YOU need and how you want to be treated.
Boundaries with family members can build healthier relationships
Reminder, you have every right to express yourself when things don’t feel appropriate. By setting boundaries, you are telling your family that I care enough about our relationship that I want it to improve. It can be hard at first, but these steps can slowly help your relationships know what you need in a relationship with them. Setting boundaries with family members is also an act of self-love. Boundaries are new to many of us because we are taught that being nice is way more important than our own happiness. But the truth is, you don’t have to put everyone else’s happiness before your own. If you do, you will find yourself depleted and stressed, then have nothing left to give yourself. Boundaries are what creates successful relationships and set the foundation for all parties to be healthy. Everyone deserves to feel happy, loved and cared for and you shouldn’t tolerate unhealthy boundaries, no matter how much you care about another person.
What if I am still stuck setting boundaries with family members?
That’s okay. Remember setting boundaries with others takes lots of practice and patience. It’s sometimes challenging and it’s okay to reach out for support. Therapy is a great place to learn more about setting boundaries with your family.
Happy boundary setting!